12 Stages of Intimacy: What it is & When to Use It

If you were researching how to write a satisfying romance, you may or may not have come across the 12 Stages of Intimacy. These stages generally describe how a relationship develops, making them handy for romance novels.

I’ve researched this topic and found ways to apply it to my work. So I’ll be sharing my notes, explaining how each stage works and when to apply it in your story.

1. Impression (Eye to Body):

Before your character falls in love, they need someone to fall in love with. And this starts with the eyes. One look is all it takes to register sex, age, height, weight, clothing, physique, personality, status, and the list goes on. Based on that, your character forms an overall impression of the stranger. This impression can be positive or negative (if you’re writing an Enemy to Lovers), making your character lose or gain interest.

When to Use it: When your characters are seeing each other for the first time.

2. Attention (Eye to Eye):

Regardless of your Main Character’s impression, they get the attention of their Love Interest. Maybe the Love Interest noticed the Main Character staring and they locked eyes. Or there was a big scene involving the Main Character. Or, the Main Character approached the Love Interest. No matter, you have to get the love interest’s attention. Remember, the Love Interest forms an overall impression when the Main Character gets noticed.

When to Use It: Before or at the Meet Cute beat. Your characters could acknowledge each other for the first time, like being forced to work on a project together. Or multiple times, like constantly glancing at each other in the office, before moving onto the next stage.

3. Conversation (Voice to Voice):

Your Lovebirds need to know the person they’ll eventually fall in love with. Every time they talk, they should grow familiar with each other. They’ll learn about each other’s interests, goals, lifestyles, etc. The more they talk, the more they build a connection, trust, and interest. This stage is actually the longest of all the stages. And, technically, never ending. The way we develop relationships is by communicating with others. So, your characters NEED this in order to grow.

When to Use It: It starts at the Meet Cute beat then sticks around for the entire story.

4. Contact (Hand to Hand, Arm to Shoulder, Arm to Waist):

This is a combination of 3 stages: Hand to Hand, Arm to Shoulder, and Arm to Waist. All that sums up to physical touch. As your characters grow closer, they’ll get more comfortable with, and desire to, touch. It could start off small with playful poking or tickling. Then slowly increase to hugs or more intimate actions, such as an arm around the shoulders or waist.

When to Use It: These moments will happen throughout your story wherever you see fit. Use it to show your readers your Lovebirds’ relationship progress.

5. First Kiss (Mouth to Mouth):

As the name suggests, this is the magical moment where your Lovebirds confess! They kiss to show their affection for each other.

When to Use It: At the end of your book for the happy ending. Or, if you’re writing Angst or a Tragedy, place this stage at the Midpoint beat as the calm before the storm.

6. Adoration (Hand to Head):

With their feelings known to each other, your Lovebirds will be in a euphoric phase. Their eyes are only on each other and they feel like they’re the only ones in the world. Your characters could be cuddling each other, staring deep into each other’s eyes, mesmerized, etc. Right now they’re in love, and they don’t care who knows it.

When to Use It: At the end of your book for the happy ending. Or, if you’re writing Angst or a Tragedy, place this stage at the Midpoint beat as the calm before the storm.

7. Foreplay (Touching Below the Waist):

This is a combination of 3 stages: Hand to Body, Mouth to Breast, and Hand to Genitals/Touching Below the Waist. All that sums up to foreplay, and there are many ways to do that. From soft touches, kisses on the neck, grinding, etc. The point of this stage is the characters preparing for intercourse.

When to Use It: During a NSFW scene.

8-12. Intercourse (Genitals to Genitals):

Sex. Need I say more?

When to Use It: During a NSFW scene.

tl;dr

1. Impresion (Eye to Body): The Main Character(s) forming an impression of the Love Interest.
2. Attention (Eye to Eye): Something that makes the Main Character and Love Interest acknowledge each other.
3. Conversation (Voice to Voice): The Lovebirds are getting to know each other and developing feelings.
4. Contact (Hand to Hand, Arm to Shoulder, Arm to Waist): The Lovebirds are getting comfortable and desiring to touch.
5. First Kiss (Mouth to Mouth): The monumental moment where the Lovebirds show/prove they love each other.
6. Adoration (Hand to Head): The Lovebirds are mesmerized with one another.
7. Foreplay (Hand to Body, Mouth to Breast, Touching Below the Waist): The Lovebirds are ramping each other up for intercourse.
8. Intercourse (Genitals to Genitals): Boom. Sex. Bow-chick-a-bow-wow.

Outro

Now you should have an understanding of the 12 Stages and Intimacy and how to add them in your story.

If you have any questions, leave a comment! I’ll do my best to answer them.